Just my blog. Ramblings about being a SAHM, wife, designer, scrapper and just person trying to struggle through this thing called life.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

After my post about my constant low self esteem LOL I recieved a bunch of comments, even some actual emails about this. I think I was really surprised at how many of us ladies feel so inferior sometimes. Here are some of the emails I got:

- I feel the same way. Sooo many sites are just a huge popularity contest. It's frustrating...because I'm not the 'popular' type. I can try and try, but that doesn't mean anything. I'm so tired of the high-school mentality...I've come so close to giving up
- I hear ya! I know that if I disappeared tomorrow, nobody online would notice!
- Kim, I know the feeling, my dear! You're not the only one. I tend to think of myself as invisible at times.
- Those are my words...how did you get them?!?!? I think we've had this conversation before, though. At times I feel that the whole dang digiscrap community is a popularity contest...I ask myself what I'm not doing right, why my designs/layouts aren't as good as those others getting all the attention.
- I feel the same way. It sucks. It's like if you aren't a popular one don't bother posting in a gallery or a message board because you get no response.
- I think many of us feel the very same way that you do. The only difference in my case is I am always unsure if there is a reason I'm not "one of the popular girls".

These are just some of what I read. I guess it makes me really sad that myself and so many others feel this way. So many of us are SAHMs that have found something they love. You'd think we would all be bending over backwards to support and uplift each other. And that we would all be so glad to share such an amazing passion. But instead of just being able to enjoy this passion, I find myself competitive at times, feeling unloved at times, feeling inferior at times, and on and on. Sometimes I think that maybe I should just stop designing so I can get out of this part of it all. While on one hand I love being a designer and DTM at SBB there are other times I wonder if it all is preventing me from just enjoying it all. Worrying about why people aren't talking to me, feeling unappreciated, etc. Other times I feel the opposite. I love doing my chat each week and having people enjoy it. Helloing late into the night with one or two of my digi friends. I love seeing my designs used in layouts. It makes me smile wide wide! I think I need to work to accept that when it all comes down to it, other people don't make me happy or unhappy, I do.

Boy do we need to remind ourselves of that sometimes. If someone treats us like garbage, we can let it roll off our backs or we can let it make us miserable. But goodness it's hard isn't it? I really want to be content whether people talk to me or not. I want to just enjoy the process. This all is for me. Not for anyone else. Why do we as women ( or me I guess) take these things so personal? Don't we all just hate when we post a layout and get one comment while another more "famous" scrapper gets 20? I don't want to care. I don't. Often times I think that I should just stop posting in galleries all together. I know that sounds silly but I don't like the feeling of being judged I LET myself feel. No one is responsible for that feeling but me. I know I shouldn't ever feel that way , but i do. Maybe I should fast from looking at my comments. Or fast from posting layouts all together.

I think in general as women we just are too darn competitive. If it wasn't layouts, it'd be weight. If it wasn't weight it'd be how clean our houses are. This is so stupid! We should be supporting each other not feeling threatened. Just recently I went through some stuff in the digiscrapping community with someone who in one way or another felt threatened by me. And in the end, yunno the only thing I REALLY care about is the fact that I thought I was getting to know this person and that friendship is over. How silly we ladies can be. How many friendships have been lost or not formed at all over petty competitive, judgemental reasons on someone's part. And believe me, I know I am on this list. Probably a high ranking member of the club for sure.

I need to start some sort of regiment to rebuild the shattered self esteem I have. Once upon a time I was so secure and self confident. Why now am I in so many pieces that I care what people I may NEVER meet, all you internet peeps, think? I need to love myself again. Treat myself well again.

I apologize to all who read this that there is so much unhappy ramblings. There is so much painful stuff I have been going through and I really need some sort of outlet. I hope that I can learn to really blog more often so this can be one. I am always amazed by those posting about their daily lives. (Hmmm another inferiority complex coming on.....LOL).

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The CD has dropped!!!! My Colors Collection Paper CD dropped yesterday. But the SBB store kept crashing, which didn't help my last minute, end of the month CD sales LOL. Was trying to squeeze in a couple extra days in the month with the CD to bump up my 20D camera budget :) But I am really excited about this CD. I have actually scrapped with it a few different times already. The CD is 110 PAPERS!! 10 papers in each color - Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Purple, Pink, Aqua, Cream, Brown, and Black. Mix and Match with other kits, use to color block layouts, mix and match to make your own great color palletes. The papers are all textured and deep, without being too distressed. I am loving em! Also... FOR A LIMITED TIME - I am offering the CD for a PreLaunch 25% OFF price!!! SUPER CHEAP!!! $16.50!!!! But after my launch party, that price is GONE! SO snatch it up ASAP!!
These are the Previews of all the paper packs on the CD. Obviously this is Pink :) :)

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Popularity Contests

Okay so I was reading a few blogs tonight and it was mentioned that one site was too much of a popularity contest so they left, etc. etc. Is it just me or does it seem like everywhere is a popularity contest? I have been trying to frequent a few different sites lately and it feels that way everywhere. Sometimes I try and just assume it's my self esteem issues causing it. WIll I ever feel good enough? I am amazed sometimes that the person who used to be so self confident is now someone who feels inferior in every situation. Why do we do that to ourselves sometimes? Why? I mean I want to just love myself, to treat myself right, to be able to live my life as it should be led. Instead I never feel good enough for myself, and hence never for anyone else. I have to start looking at it all really. I mean the weight, the house, the children and all the things that I have let crumble around me, is it all just because I can't or don't really love myself? I would never be as hard on anyone else as I am with myself. I can't even think something without second guessing myself. Truly it is getting to a point that well... just to that point. So it is hard for me to try and plug in in the digi world. Silly huh? I mean the feeling of the "cool crowd" should have died in high school, yet still I feel like no matter what or where I will never be a cool kid. Am I the only one that feels that way? Like even on the stupid internet people hardly care whether you're there or not. Oh this self loathing crap is getting old. Oh to wake up and exercise and feel happy. Honestly I haven't felt that way since CLay was sick. I don't know that I have had a single happy day since before then. I used to. All the time. I used to wake and read my Bible and do school, and work in the garden and watch chicks hatch, and write sweet notes to my husband, and love him the way he deserved, and tried to love myself the way I deserve to be loved. Yunno I am off to iron a short for Clay, write him a sweet note, do my new Bible study and pray. Tomorrow is another day. Though with 4 pies to make, not without stress :)

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Quilts, Doodles, and Dirty :) :)

Boy ever feel like you are in over your head? I have so many things I want to do. I started the Dirty Line and it is so much fun to grunge things up!!! I still about 2 thirds of the element packs to go with the CD to finish. I just started learning Illustrator so I made some fun diva doodles. And for about a month now I have had this idea for another line. There was this great quilt in the pottery barn catalog that just got me thinking. Why do we love quilts? For me it's the magic of how all the fabrics don't seem to match but just..do. So today I found this great picture of a purse that inspired me and so I decided to start the quilt line. They are not quite distressed, not quite worn, more a tad "stained". Just slightly used I guess LOL.

This is the cute purse I saw that inspired me to do this pack. Sure wish I could have done the purse justice, but... not so much.

Here are the Diva Doodles. Wand, words, lipstick, shoes, purses, doodles, and more. FUn fun for that diva girl.

And of course another Dirty pack. Not the one I first started for the first Dirty girly pack, but somehow this one got finished first. Like the other dirty packs, they are all textured and dirty and distressed and just plain ole grungy. These are so much fun to make. There'll be an element pack next week.

These will all go in tonight I guess.

Sunday, November 20, 2005


Okay well for weeks now I have had a CD of papers done and ready to launch. I have about a third of the elements already done for them too. I have to say I LOVE this line. I just do. But keep your eyes and ears open cuz I hope to have it all out VERY soon. Here's a hint: they're "COLORS" ful. Hmmmmm.....

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Well don't know how to follow last night's post but... I hate to say it but I am dreading the holidays. I didn't when we were home in TN and all the family was in CA, but this year being in CA with the fam I dread it. I wish I didn't. I wish I felt that warm fuzzy feeling that the holidays should bring. But oy. I don't feel like having to socialize. Do I ever? And this is the first time any of them have seen Clay since... That will all just be weird. At least the other children won't be here this time. Frankie acts so naughty around Samuel. And I guess it will be easier with Gramma haven given up control over the cooking. She's not gonna have her nose in the kitchen this Thanksgiving so things will be a tad smoother lol. I guess when it comes down to it, I am just not a social person anymore. I mean I spend the whole time hanging out in the kitchen anyways. That's where all the cool people hang out :) I have 4 pies I think I need to make for Thanksgiving. Of course, being the pie lady I have to make the pies everywhere we go. The orders this year are plain as always, pumpkin, apple and pecan. Same ole same ole. Just have to make an extra pumpkin this year for Gramma's next door neighbor. We are gonna make our contact paper placemats again this year. Gotta go get some leaves from outside tomorrow to press a little before we need em. At least there's ONE tree in CA that changes colors in the Fall, and it happens to be right outside out house. So we are gonna make the placemats with the outlines of where the silverware goes, etc and leaves and the whole bit. It's too bad that we don't seem to have any real Thanksgiving traditions here. And no one is interested in doing anything fun like going around the table saying what they are thankful about, etc. SO pretty much it's just a dinner party which makes me kinda sad. I want my children to grow up with fun traditions that are meaningful, worth something. I suppose we all do. Seems like since I left TN all the things I felt were important have just fallen by the wayside and today it is going to change. How many times have I said that? LOL.

Anyways I am about to restart a Bible study from www.settingcaptivesfree.com I warn you that it is VERy conservative Christian and may not be for everyone, but I started it once and it has helped many many people. They have free 60 day online courses where you do the Bible study online, answering questions online and the answers go to your mentor or counselor and they email you during your study. They have a number of Bible studies on getting set free from gambling, smoking, etc. I am starting, or restarting, the study on getting set free from the bondage to food. I cannot let another day go by where I am a slave to eating, to food, to the feeling I get from eating it, from turning to it instead of God to comfort me. NOT ANOTHER DAY! I am gonna try harder than ever to blog now, to use this as a journal as an outlet and as a form of accountability for me.

The Accident

Life is so short and so precious.

I just saw an accident. Not saw an accident like driving by gawking at the wreckage but saw the car spin around and smash the telephone pole. I told my mom to call the ambulance and ran out to see to whoever was in there. We are all the same. All people are the same. We all want the same things. As I ran up it was so dark and couldn't see anyone, and there he was pinned in the backseat crying, yelling, writhing. He wanted the door off him. The seat off him. Screaming. The door and seat were staying so.. And there were men around. Standing. Not knowing what to do. Are all men the same? Did they forget that he and that THEY would want someone to talk to them, to comfort them? I walked around and around the car talking to him trying to see everything that was going on. He finally scooted over to the window, still pinned, but Praise Lord Jesus that he could move, that he could talk and yell and swear. Praise Jesus for him being able to swear. And everyone stood around. We all want the same things. NEED the same things. It wasn't until I stroked his head and got to his face that he stopped writhing. Every time he moved, his smashed arm would scream in pain. It's okay. Jesus comfort him. Sit still, when you move your arm it makes it hurt more, there you go, it's gonna be okay, the ambulance is coming, sit still now, see it's alright, no you're not gonna die, you are fine but your arm is broken so let's keep it still darlin. Dumb teenagers. Get the hood and trunk out of the road, that car almost hit it. No it's alright, you're alright. Suddenly he tries to sit up. Where am I? You're in the backseat. What? You were in a crash. A crash? Really? Wow. Arm screams again. Okay darlin sit still, everything's alright, you're alright. Funny how we are all the same. Here is this young man and all he wants is someone stroking his hair, having eyes to meet when he opens them. Everytime he opened his eyes it was fresh like he is confused and I sit here in tears thinking of his reassurance and peace when his eyes met mine. Jesus really is alive and active in our lives. I am so thankful I was there to stroke his hair and tell him everything is going to be okay. He's at the hospital now and well... I just pray and will pray and pray that he is okay. I feel he is and will be. God is good.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Oh this sweet sweet girl. I couldn't love her any more. For some reason this one layout, and no others had it's color go all muted when I uploaded it. Hasn't happened since. Don't know what that's about. Weird. She was so happy in her ballerina outfit.
wow this one was so much fun. Scribbles and handwriting. I do like having some handwritten stuff on some of my layouts. It will so take lots of practice though for me to get used to writing on the tablet and having it not look like a mess. These children are so funny. I really just wanted one quick quick pic with their matching clothes but NO it took like 30 pics to get one alright one.
So now I am starting to doodle and doodle. Here are a couple layouts that I did when I first got my tablet.
I just loved working with this kit. Finally I am learning to get past my issues and enjoy working with my stuff. Making this kit was worth it if just to get this layout that I LOVE love love.
Well I am gonna try and start posting my layouts here too. I don't know why I am so bad about it. This layout was so fun and different. It feels so "paper" to me.

Rooftop Garden

This HUGE paper pack is called Rooftop Garden. Hip, yet serious and pretty. They have a fun color scheme but still have some serious patterns. Class mixed with whimsy. Could be used for more serious layouts or use with the element pack for fun layouts. Oh the element pack...

Okay - yummmy. I love this element pack. Honestly it was a blast making it. Doodles, flowers, buttons, stitches, just plain fun. Sometimes it's just fun to make elements that are just whimsical. I need a picture for this kit! Rarely do I long to scrap with something of mine and I just DO with this one.

Dirty Boy Elements

Well here are the Dirty Boy Elements. Could I love those buttons any more than I do?? love love. These papers and elements have really been so much fun! I have another Dirty Girl pack that will be coming before you know it.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Yunno when my Windows opens there is the little Windows logo with the 4 colored squares with their little gradient. Am I the only one in the world that thinks it looks silly that their gradient is so grainy and dotty? I mean with all the money they make they can't have a stylish logo?

Monday, November 14, 2005

Dirty Shirt Element Pack

Ha! I haven't even put the paper pack in the store but the elements for that pack are done!! I just am having so much fun with these. They make me want to do a moer cluttered inked page. Hmm might just need to scrap! All this new stuff I love and want to use. Hopefully I can get over my phobia of using my stuff. I have been trying so hard. I want to try and scrap at least one layout with everything I make. Well... I said try. But can't wait to get these all out in the store!

Funque Fresh

It won't be until later this week but I have some new paper packs I have finished. I also have elements kits for the Dirty line I am finishing as well. But I thought that it would be fun to start posting a little bit about how I come up with some of these kits and papers. Sometimes it is totally random, sometimes it's artwork or clothes or nature or.... It's fun to learn to see things around you differently. This is a bit different for me. More of a MOD paper pack. But being the gal I am I couldn't bring myself to leave the papers alone, so in the end the are all pretty textured, a tad grunged up and distressed, aaahh, just like I like it. There are 10 papers in this one - 5 patterned, 5 textured solids. It is called Funque Fresh. And for once I am off to try a more mod layout. Yummm.

Last night I was looking through my mom's Nordstrom's catalog, and to her surprise ripped a page out LOL!! But I just thought these outfits were so cute. And the colors jsut so appealing to me. SO I ran over and made up a pallette from it, and by the time I went to bed, the Funque Fresh papers were born. Hopefully I do a layout from it soon and I'll post it here. Man I need to start posting layouts more! Maybe I'll post one now

Tattered Linens

I have been playing around with this certain kind of cross hatching layering that I have grown to love. In playing around I ended up with these soft linen type papers. I started out by making this one paper (that will be in another pack) that has to be one my favorite papers ever. In making papers to go with it, I made these. But they really didn't go with the paper LOL. So I put the paper aside for another day and put these together. I love the soft look of these. Some lines, flowers, butterflies, and just soft rich color. Yummy yum yum.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The new Dirty Line

These are the first of a line of grungy, textured papers that I just adore. The Dirty Boy paper pack is in the store and the Dirty Shirt one will be in the store Thursday. I am working on some girly packs in this line as well. I will be doing some element packs with loads of inked edges, etc very soon!!

Blogging Hiatus.

Well I guess I haven't blogged in a while. No kits, no babbling, no nothing. Part of it is working on finishing some projects. I have scrapped some which is great for me. Yunno I need to start posting layouts again. I don't know why I stopped. I guess I started posting kits and stopped posting layouts. That's kinda lame. Anyways so here I am thinking about doing this again. Also I am trying to decide whether to start a weight loss blog or just put it on here. I would like to write in it everyday so maybe another blog would be better. Hmmm but maybe here would be better cuz it would motivate me to write more here so I don't just have fat posts :P Or hopefully skinny posts :) Sometimes I think that part of me doesn't post cuz it just gives me one more thing I fail at. I am slowly beginning to think that I have some great conspiracy to punish myself. I am not entirely sure why yet, but I see it everywhere. In food, in my house, my marraige, and all the little things like this. I wish someone could just look inside me and explain it to me. It all really began when Clay got "sick" so to speak. When things fell apart is when this whole thing really began - or at least that I can tell. Is it to show Clay how badly he screwed things up? Is it so that I can get attention from him or others? Is it because I feel that's what I deserve? Is it.. oh goodness. Am I really this crazy? I have let everything spiral out of control it seems and I do nothing to stop it. I feel like I am powerless to stop it. Which of course I'm not but I just seem to get "stuck". I want to love myself again To make myself a priority again. To feel confident again. To feel like ME again. The me I want to be, used to be. To have balance. To have peace. To feel like I am obeying God again. To feel like I am making him proud and smile. To love to read my Bible again like I used to. To pray again. To smile at my children again. To be organized again. To have a clean house again. To be healthy again. To exercise again. To love my husband again with the love that runs deeper than anything. To make him happy again. To make ME happy.

Hmm things to do today:
Do my sketch and preview for my chat
straighten up each room
spend 15 minutes in each room today
clean bathrooms
exercise 30 minutes at least
take a shower
do school with Frank
read in my Bible
Read to the children
Burn a narnia book on CD off the computer (not off another CD LOL)
play with the children
Scoop the backyard lol