Struggles.

Up till now this blog was just my scrapping stuff. But as I need an outlet and don't want all my family reading everything, and they don't know about this, I am gonna just sit and type. Things are hard. They just are. In every way imaginable. Okay things could be worse. I try and tell myself that, but just sometimes it doesn't feel that way. A year ago this time, I had a home in the country, children than listened so well, a pretty happy marraige, and most importantly a pretty happy ME. Now back to today. Struggling to keep our house from getting forclosed upon, children that are out of control, a marraige that feels like it's failing most of the time, lost almost everything we own, had to move from my country home in with my mother in her small city house in CA (Ick), and most importantly a depressed ME. ARGH!! Today is the first day things seem a bit up, because I actually prayed and read my Bible and poured my heart out to God. But goodness things are hard. When is this supposed to get easier? When do I get a whole day without just feeling so mad at Clay? When do I stop gaining weight? When do I stop feeling frustrated with my littles? Goodness, when do we get to move out from my mother's LOL? And yet for some reason after listing those questions I am chuckling. Chucking. Why? Is it all so preposterous? Sometimes I look at it all and it makes me laugh that everything is out of control. The house is a mess, I am a mess, my marraige is a mess, my children are a mess. What a mess. How did my life get this way? There are certainly things I could blame, people I could blame. I mean, some really BAD things happened, and people did some BAD things that caused the physical change part. The house, the things, all that stuff was out of my control. But why do I let myself just fall deeper in it all? It needs to stop. I need to turn back to God and stop this madness that is my depression. He is the only one that can bring me back. And for some reason today feels like the day. Ha ha ha. How many days have felt like the day? For all of us! Today is the day we tackle the house. Today is the day I start eating right. And exercising.....Today is the first day of the rest of my life. But some people find that day. That one day they decide to change it. TO change themselves. Lord, let today be my day. And if I fail, let tomorrow be my day. And please, please let me get some things done other than playing in Photoshop.